You are okay!

It was around 5:30 AM — a cold winter morning in Mohali. I could see nothing outside my hostel window except for the mist. I had been forced to wake up by uncontrollable shivers in my body. I struggled with my body to get off the bed and started walking briskly to pre-empt convulsions. But the trembling of legs wouldn’t stop. I walked across the hall and knocked on my friend’s door but my friend was in deep sleep. I was scared and helpless. This hadn’t happened to me before and I didn’t know why this was happening! I went to the bathroom, put the cold shower on and waited till the shivers subsided. I didn’t know anything better. I felt calm as I changed into fresh clothes and went back to sleep.

I woke up to find my friend at my bedside with a cup of hot tea. She is more like an elder sister. I told her that I had knocked on her door early in the morning. She asked what was the matter. I looked anxious and restless. I said that I felt weird but I guess it was just stress and lack of sleep. I will be fine.

I was done with my job placements a week back and had been offered a dream role in one of the retail unicorns. I had been gruelling for 16 hours a day for the past year and this was supposedly my honeymoon period in my B-school.

I had breakfast and went to the first session for the day. In the middle of a lecture, I could feel my legs shivering again. My hands were sweating and my teeth had a peculiar sensation. I kept breathing in and out throughout the lecture and escaped to the running track after the class. The Sun was bright and made me feel warm. I felt clueless and decided to seek help. I went to the college counsellor and told her what was happening. She heard me out and asked me a few questions. I told her that I had been placed and I was about to get married in 6 months and that my family expected me to plan my marriage now. But my body doesn’t permit and there is no reason for this anxiety. Nobody had talked me into marriage. I had been over-optimistic in approving the date of the wedding a year in advance. But fate had some more interesting challenges for me. The company I was going to join had postponed the date of joining to 20th of July. My wedding was planned for the 14th of August. I was expected to report in Gurgaon on July 20th, find accommodation within 10 days and parallelly finish orientation to get the ball rolling by the first week of August. How on earth was I going to approach my manager on the first day of the project to ask for marriage leaves? By the last term at B-school, I had exhausted all my savings. I do not easily get scared, but I was petrified at that point in time. She understood and gave me breathing exercises and helped me chalk out a schedule.

By this time, I had shut myself up from social media and people who could pull me down. I started running every morning and attended Yoga sessions in the evening followed by badminton lessons. By the end of the day, I was physically so drained that I would fall asleep as soon as I sat on the bed. This had been my routine for the next 3 months. I refused to give up.

While I was improving and learning new things, my counsellor suggested that I seek help from a psychiatrist to cope up with anxiety issues. For a quicker recovery, I needed some medication. After the struggle for months, I felt hopeless now. I called my husband, then a friend who had known me for 10 years. I blurted out the truth, “I don’t think I am prepared for marriage right now. Could we postpone the wedding, please? I will be cheating everyone if I get married in this mental health.” He was surprisingly unperturbed by whatever I said. He suggested that we wait until I join and resume a job. Let me not think about marriage and the preparation until then — take one day at a time. I wasn’t convinced. I insisted, ” But this is not normal. I see my friends feel ‘blissful’ with their fiancés. I feel anything but blissful! While my friends are posing for their pre-wedding shoots, I am running between psychiatrists and counselling sessions!” He ignored my apprehensions and said, “ I do not know what is normal. But if this is how you feel, this should be normal for you. Stop glorifying marriage. It is just another life event. We need to program manage it. That’s all! Concentrate on the new job. Once your mind is settled, you will calm down.” I submitted to his advice as I was too restless to listen to my mind.

I joined my first job after my MBA. The new role and responsibility gave me tremendous momentum. There was a fresh stream of energy running through my veins. My first salary pulled me out of the pit I had fallen into. Money is freedom and freedom gives you confidence. But freedom also brings along with it some undesired guests like responsibility and ownership. While I was saving every penny for the advance rent in Gurgaon, my mother had an amazing revelation. She called me to say, “ Could you buy some silver bowls and glasses — small ones — they are auspicious for the wedding.” I was unpleasantly amused. But it isn’t her fault. These are social customs that are yet to evolve.

I managed to reach home for my wedding by August 12th. I was visibly tired and thin. But I was happy and confident. I enjoyed my wedding day. That’s all that matters. The 10-day break from work and responsibilities helped me put on some extra pounds. The following months of a busy life in a new city helped me get back to shape and get over medication as well. But I have continued to exercise and take care of myself. Whatever people say, I say this from personal experience — only a ‘#happyMe’ can build a ‘#happyUs’. There are men and women who look forward to marriage with a lot of enthusiasm. That is wonderful. But then, there are men and women who may have some other dreams that are bigger than marriage to them. That is not abnormal. Listen to your mind every day, speak to yourself every day. There cannot be any force in the world stronger than you!